I want to be seen

I just had one of the biggest realizations this week. I have had a lot of pent up anger coming out of me lately. I have been working through the triggers and trying to figure out where a lot of this is coming from. I know it’s a combination of things… I have had people in my life lately that are just frustrating me, but also mirroring back the work I need to do to heal deeper parts of myself. Growth and development is a forever process and that’s what I think I sometimes forget. I know this, but when you do heavy amounts of growth in short periods of time the way you start to feel is freeing. You want to keep that feeling, but there is always more growth and beauty to be discovered. Let it flow and let each layer of the process happen as it should. I have felt a little more stressed than usual with things because of this all. I have had emotions that I haven’t felt in awhile but I know it’s all a greater lesson and another piece of my healing.

So here is my AHA moment of the week. I have been triggered by this word specifically “influencer”. I have heard some form of this from different people in my life the last few months and it boils down to the fact that because I have a blog it makes me want to be an influencer. As if that’s a bad thing. I got worked up. Then I have moments where this part of me just wants to yell at the other when someone tells me no you can’t it doesn’t work like this as if I don’t know better for what works for me. Life does not work one way and one way only in my opinion. I don’t believe there is one path to anything because if there was how the hell did everyone get to similar places in life in different ways? No two people have found success the same way in a similar career and no two people have healed the same way on a similar path. There are multiple ways to it all and nothing drives me crazier than hearing it’s this way or the high way. I know you’re probably thinking why would you get upset over all of this? It’s not really a big deal Shay. Well it’s so much more than what I am saying. This is the surface of what it comes down to. If there is one thing I would want you to take away from this post it’s that our triggers or the things that make us defensive is often a reflection of something inside that needs healing.

So let me start with this… ughh the word influencer…I was REALLY bothered by being labeled an influencer because unfortunately that word holds a stigma and stereotype that is not positive in our society right now. That’s not how I want to be seen, but you know what I do want to be seen and I need to own that. I want people to know who I am and yes that means I will influence others. Not for the attention or fame of it all, but because I want to be known as someone who adds value to your life. I have struggled with this want of validation for as long as I can remember. There is a piece of me that does not feel valued or seen or appreciated for what I offer and that’s where this all comes from. I know this probably sits inside my subconscious really deep from childhood and just general growing up in society. It’s really sad actually how I can’t see my value to another person sometimes. It can get bad and I trap myself in my own head. I have been working on healing this for a long time. I am struggling right now with this again but in a different form than I did before. However I can say for the first time I do realize my value without needing another person to show me that. I didn’t know how to do this for myself before and would chase relationships that made me temporarily feel good about myself, but always had a way of mirroring that exact feeling of “lack” back to me in the end. That’s because I didn’t learn the lesson and the universe wants you to learn the lesson so it will always mirror to you what you need to find within yourself first. How can someone else value you if you don’t see your own value to them right?

So yes I want to be seen and I want to be valued and if it means calling me an influencer then go for it. However I don’t need to prove to anyone that what i’m doing is of value and that’s the lesson. My blog, my brand, my vision is so much bigger than me in my eyes and I know it will help people. I know this because I lived it, i’m living it and I see my growth all the time. I don’t need to explain that to anyone. I don’t need anyone’s approval but my own. I know my truth. I need to stop wasting energy being upset about what others say or view me as. I certainly need to stop being so scared of what i’m trying to do because of it all too. So take my lesson and let it help you grow too. If I can “influence” you in any small way to live your life by letting go of the idea that it has to be any certain way, then i’m here for it! All I want is to show you what you are capable of because it’s right inside that beautiful heart and soul of yours.

We all want to be seen and loved for who we are, so like me please don’t be afraid to honor that. Heal that part of you and then let it shine through. Like Brene Brown says the power is in vulnerability. Be open to yourself, be honest with yourself, and then allow yourself to move forward. Realize the things that push your buttons the most is the greatest gift to heal. Be just as committed to your goals as you are your own growth. I think somewhere along this life of ours we sacrificed our needs, emotions, healing, and all to give us money, validation from people who don’t really matter, and a skewed vision of success. Reaching our goals at the expense of ourselves will only bring a temporary amount of joy and freedom. The true essence of the life you want lives inside the healing and development of self so don’t be afraid of it.

Sending you all the love!