I had today off of work and it felt so good. I have been very lucky the last 3 weeks or to have 1 whole day off a week, it honestly rarely happens. If you read my last post you know that time off has been something very necessary for my soul. I know for a fact that I'm a bit burnt out right now and I'm trying to ease my anxiety on my perception of time right now. What I mean is that how my energy is being spent lately hasn't been feeding my heart whatsoever. My "spark" for life has been a little dull, my creative energy has been low, my thought patterns haven't been as positive as i'd like, and all in all how I feel I'm spending my time feels rushed. I feel like there is not enough time in a day to do everything I want and then anxiety hits of I didn't do this or that and I certainly don't have the energy to do what does feed my soul. Ebbs and flows of life yo. I am honoring my emotions through this current emotional wave and i'm working really hard on remember my why in this life of mine.
Let's talk about that... my why. Well awhile ago I had a conversation with some of my friends about our purpose on this earth. The question was do you think we humans have a purpose? I think as a whole not really, I personally think more of us are doing more harm than good on our poor planet in more ways than one. However, I do believe on an individual level we have a purpose for why we are here and it's for the greater good. I have no clue what that is, but I believe we are souls put into human bodies trying to find our truest forms again to bring more light. I have dived in deep over the last year on this topic and just finding my souls purpose.
Honestly for me it feels like I was put here to help people. It's something that always has come natural to me. Being the person that even complete strangers share their life story with. I listen and i'm learning to not respond unless asked and just be the one who listens. I want to be the person you can come talk to about anything and bare your soul too. I want you to feel like you aren't alone, like you have someone to lean on, someone who just listens because sometimes that is literally all we need.
I've been told I have a grounding presence and for a long time wasn't sure what that meant because up until recently I didn't feel grounded in my own body. Now I get it. I see it more than ever what I am here for. It's to help people. I know that the random knowledge and things that make my heart happy are also the very things that allow me to help people in my own Shay way. I am also beginning to realize that the small moments in my life where I talk to people just about the things that light my life up is when I have these aha moments. Like what i'm doing isn't useless. I know it's some shadow ego shit that makes me feel like what i'm doing means nothing. I am truly working through this still, but I am slowly starting to own that I do have knowledge and something to share with this world. In the most raw twisted way I am starting to show it and express myself deeper than I ever have in my life. Sharing my life, being vulnerable, expressing my emotions are all 3 very parts of me I did on the most minuscule scale I could out of fear of judgement. I shared this in a youtube video of mine here. Basically I didn't let a lot of people in very easily and now I am sort of a ball of emotions wearing my heart on my sleeve. All I crave is real soul connection, but also when people do this together feeling into the feels is beautiful. It is also really powerful. I feed off of others energy very easily and when i'm truly sharing from a heart centered space it's kind of magical and it allows others to full express themselves too. That's what I want for everyone I meet. I want to see every emotion from you because I promise to show you mine.
There is a quote I fell in love with "from our vulnerabilities comes strength" also it's where real connections begin because you really get to see a person. I learned this the hard way by being this tough shell for a long time. I was scared of looking weak or embarrassed to have emotions to be honest. Shoot man I realize now that we are human so we need to show each other that we are underneath our shells we are the same emotionally. We all feel pain, happiness, sadness, anger, resentment, judgement, etc. At some point we ALL have felt this.
Soooo if we talk about our experiences in life with people we meet and get to know each other a little deeper I'm pretty sure a lot of beauty will come from it. Now I am not saying I expect us all to share just to share, BUT I don't know about y'all I have met people in my life that my heart is like yo I really like you, I think you are cool and I want to get to know you more. Then I don't say that to them and I let the moment we shared pass by and am left like aw I think we could have been really awesome friends. I am working on letting people know hey I liked hanging with you, lets do this again but for whatever reason that was terrifying to do before. Can you relate? Do you guys feel this way? DON'T!
In learning to live this way I have met some awesome people and to be honest some people weren't about it and that was okay too. What and who is meant to be in your life will be so if someone "rejects" this in you so be it. You are living in your truth and your heart centered space and if someone doesn't want to be apart of that it's so okay. There is nothing wrong with you so take it with a grain of salt, I know harder done than said. I think the notion of letting things come and go with no attachment has been one of the biggest lessons I have learned in life more recently. In learning how to embrace that the less we are attached to the idea of how it should be the easier it is to just live in the flow and let things stay and go as they are supposed to. I am learning to trust in the timing of my life and that the path I am on is right and feel into my heart with it all. Attachment has led me down a lot of painful roads so i'm truly learning to embrace this path but it ain't easy i'll admit.
Alright, I feel like i've reflected a lot on what makes my heart happy, my why in this life, and what my own souls purpose is so I wanted to share. What about you guys? What are your thoughts on all of this? All I can say is that my heart is happiest when I let myself connect with people and share life in the smallest of moments. I don't think I realized that talking about my vision of how I want to change people's lives made me that happy until tonight. I have a big dream for what i'm bringing into this world and all I can do is smile. I want that for you all.
I want to leave you with a few of my favorite quotes. They really give me a perspective of how I want to lead in my life. I hope they bring you some introspection and more than anything help propel you forward on your own journey.
All by Brené Brown:
“For me, and for many of us, our first waking thought of the day is “I didn’t get enough sleep.” The next one is “I don’t have enough time.” Whether true or not, that thought of not enough occurs to us automatically before we even think to question or examine it. We spend most of the hours and the days of our lives hearing, explaining, complaining, or worrying about what we don’t have enough of. ...Before we even sit up in bed, before our feet touch the floor, we’re already inadequate, already behind, already losing, already lacking something. And by the time we go to bed at night, our minds are racing with a litany of what we didn’t get, or didn’t get done, that day. We go to sleep burdened by those thoughts and wake up to that reverie of lack. ...This internal condition of scarcity, this mind-set of scarcity, lives at the very heart of our jealousies, our greed, our prejudice, and our arguments with life.”
“Belonging: Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”
“Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.”